So I spent two nights away from both my girls (and my husband) this weekend. This is a first. I’m amazed as I say this but I haven’t had time away, just me (and a lovely bunch of ladies) since my eldest was born nearly 4 years ago. Possibly since my hen do the year before she was born, in fact. June 2013. We sat by the fire and drank wine and talked. And talked. Without interruption. We actually finished sentences and switched off, concentrating on us and not our small people for a change. We had showers (and wees) without intrusion and we walked 5 miles to the pub (in a blizzard) at an adult pace. With NO BUGGIES or slings, or nappy bags. We lay in past 6am and leaving the house didn’t feel like a military operation. What a treat!
But as I rounded the final corner back home today, I felt that surge of adrenaline and excitement at the prospect of seeing my gorgeous family again. It had felt good to miss them.
There can be too much of a good thing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. A break is good as a rest. And any other clichés that spring to mind!
Needless to say, the meltdown that ensued over a pass the parcel gift at a birthday party later in the day made me reconsider my glee at having returned at all. The most beautiful cottage with a lovely lot of ladies.
Last night marked a new parenting milestone for me. My eldest (pictured here last summer, looking like Alice in Wonderland… or maybe Eve in the Garden of Eden?!) really opened up to me about some stuff she’s been struggling with recently. I was tucking her in and we just got chatting. Really chatting. For what felt like the first time in ages, I’m sad to admit.
I have underestimated the importance of timing when asking her about her day, how she’s feeling, if there’s anything’s on her mind I can help her with etc. After a long day at nursery when all she wants is a snack (or 12) and to watch some “tellllaaaaaay” is not the time.
But as many fellow mums of more than one (or even just one) will agree, bedtime is often the time for routine and division of labour across the household. Speed is of the essence. The shared sentiment is usually “how quickly can we get this boxed up so we can relax and have dinner before 10pm?” And as such I don’t tend to luxuriate over this time of the day as much as probably I should. A time when thoughts of the day are settling and eyeball to eyeball chats are cosiest and best.
We are all guilty of getting caught up in what we perceive (at the time) to be the daily drudge, grind and routine. But sometimes we are missing those rare moments when we need to stop, listen and really look into their shining eyes, connect, go slow, and be present. And really try to not constantly feel like we are fast forwarding 15 mins to when we will finally get to eat dinner and watch GoT (although, don’t get me wrong, that is important for living too) As ever, it is all about balance.
So we’re all trying to raise superheroes. Girls and boys. Children that are confident and caring, brilliant and brave. No pressure there then! We all do what we can to be the best possible versions of ourselves in the hope that it will rub off on our unassuming offspring.
When my eldest daughter was painfully shy (and a bit screamy) at a 4th birthday party on Sunday, I tried really hard not to make it about me and show my frustration that she was the only one not joining in. After all, it wasn’t about me at all. It was about her having a tough time. She needed my help, not my disappointment. (Even though I did indeed feel so disappointed that she didn’t seem to be having much fun after having talked about it for days….)
Then good old ‘mummy guilt’ reared her stupid head and I started thinking that maybe it was my fault she had been so sad. Perhaps, as her mother, I had somehow failed to equip her with the right tools or social skills required to hold her own in a room full of princesses and superheroes? Maybe it was my fault she was having such a seemingly shitty time when she should have been having fun?
Of course I realise this was all rather melodramatic and that she’s just a little more introverted and cautious than other children. And that’s not altogether a bad thing! When the last guest had left, she picked up her fairy wings and wand and danced like a crazy person with her little birthday friend. We all need to go easy on ourselves. We are doing our best after all. Any tips for how I can support my little introvert better would be greatly appreciated! Thanks @coolmompicks for the super pic.
It was yet another grey, grey day in Buckinghamshire today. Everyone in the Clarke household is a little bit ill. (Everyone, that is, apart from my constitution-of-an-ox-husband.) Not really ill, thank goodness. You know. Just snot. Endless mucus streaming out of small faces. And now mine.
Today is one of those days where a ‘mojo’ felt like an exotic, fantastical state- often read about, never actually experienced. The odd day of feeling mojo-less happens to the very best of us. But if you’re a mum who’s been feeling like this for a while, maybe now is the time to do something about it.
Cast off that infamous mummy guilt that plagues us all and spend some time thinking about you for a change and what you need to do to reclaim that mojo (to which you are absolutely entitled, by the way). Book yourself a massage with the lovely Natalie @greenewellbeing if you happen to live near Chesham, drop me a line to book a no pressure 30 minute consultation. Or failing that, open a bottle of wine and run yourself a bubble bath. And relaaaax….
Happy International Women’s Day 2018. What better way to mark the day by launching a new coaching programme. Just for women, and mums in particular. Read on to find out more.
My Story
Like many expectant new mums I know, I felt I did everything in my power to prepare for motherhood. I devoured every post about pregnancy, read every book about birth and babies and listened to lectures on lactation. If you are reading this as a mother then you know only too well the futile nature of this preparation! Nothing whatsoever could have prepared me for the emergency c-section, the pain, the terror, the joy, the sleep-deprivation or indeed the overwhelming love I was about to experience. My maternity leave came and went and it became clear to me that there were also other things I hadn’t bargained for about becoming a mother. No one told me about the loss of identity and confidence in your own professional abilities that many new mums experience. Parenthood also made me think about my priorities and that ever-elusive ‘work-life balance’ HR people always seem to bang on about.
Practical Coaching Just for Mums
Having spoken to many mothers since having my two daughters, I was definitely not alone in having experienced these crises of confidence. I know that I would have really benefited from having a neutral party, a sounding-board, (not just a well-meaning friend or family member) to talk through my personal, work and career aspirations with as a new mum. For this reason, I set up a practical coaching programme tailored to the specific needs of mothers. Throughout my entire career I have been coaching professionals in businesses; helping them increase their self awareness and enjoy fulfilling careers that both play to their strengths and align with their personal values. I often use psychometric assessments which add powerful insights to these coaching sessions. And then it struck me: why shouldn’t professional women on career breaks have access to these powerful insights too? I therefore make all these tools available to mothers who aren’t currently in a work environment, so you too can learn how to make the most of your strengths and make work and lifestyle choices that authentically align with your values. We also explore practical ways of minimising the risk of any potentially ‘de-railing’ behaviours that might throw your plans off course.
You may benefit from coaching if any of the following scenarios resonate:
- Returning (or not returning) to work is on your mind but you have lost confidence in your own professional capabilities or strengths and aren’t sure what options are out there.
- You have lost your sense of identity or purpose and can’t see past your (albeit vital) role of ‘Mum’.
- You love being a mum but the seemingly relentless day-to day grind is starting to get you down. You feel stuck in a rut but really want to do something about it.
- Your children are becoming more independent and you feel ready to rediscover your strengths and reassess your values, in order to help you work out how you want to spend your free time.
- You would like help to achieve the holy grail that is ‘work-life balance’. You need reassurance that you can juggle all your important roles of mother, partner, income-earner, friend and family member.
Drop me a line on [email protected] to find out more and book your free 30 minute consultation to see if coaching could help you.